“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.” ~ Ayn Rand
So many of my clients exhibit signs of being the proverbial wall flower. Waiting for the man to find her, waiting for the boss to recognize her worth or waiting to be befriended by a new best friend. As women we are often taught by watching our mothers and other females to always consider others first and never rock the boat. We often develop a paralyzing fear of having and expressing an opinion, so we wait.
Somewhere along the line many of us were imprinted with the idea that we must accommodate everyone, never make a scene, never make anyone feel bad, or worst of all, uncomfortable. In Teri Hatcher’s book Burnt Toast, she describes a memory of her mother eating the toast she burnt so that nobody else had to. Instead of ”making more toast”, women accept the way things are and don’t inconvenience anyone by changing it.
I’m embarrassed to say I caught myself the other day admonishing my daughter for being aggressive and making someone feel bad. She has a story she loves to tell about a mock trial tournament where she was a defense attorney and succeeded in making the prosecuting attorney cry by aggressively shouting objections. The other attorney was new to the mock trial scene and my daughter laughed with delight, ”I was in the zone, I made her cry!”
” Aly! Did you really need to make so many objections…couldn’t you have let her win some???” I said.
Ouch! from the mouth of me, the personal coach, wanting my daughter to “let someone else win” wanting her to put a towel over her own light so that it wouldn’t shine as bright. It’s not that I want her to be accommodating of others feelings all of the time, it’s just that I want here to do it without delighting in others disappointment and frustration. Perhaps that is what should separate the women from the men. Being aggressive, shining bright, choosing ourselves but not delighting in the misery our “opponents” may feel when we succeed…..hmmm…….. However, some where along the line I must have taught her to choose herself because my comment has fallen on deaf ears. She is direct and moving in the direction she wants to take her life.
So, here is your mission should you choose to accept it, unlearn these wall flower tendencies, express your needs, dreams and opinions and find a way to fulfill them.
If you have an idea, do it, don’t wait for someone to ask you to do it, choose yourself.
If you see a need in the world , figure out a way to fill it, don’t sit back and wait for someone else.
Yearning for new friends? Don’t wait for them to find you, actively seek them out by joining groups where the kind of people you are looking for hang out. Same thing goes for male conpanionship, go where you may find someone that shares an interest with you. Choose yourself, don’t wait to be chosen.
Don’t wait for permission, Don’t wait for someone to choose you, choose yourself.
Oh yeah, and one more thing, never eat burnt toast….
Robin is a life coach living in the Columbus, Ohio area. She specializes in coaching and inspiring woman to rediscover who they really are and live the life they were intended. Robin studied life coaching with Martha Beck the bestselling author and O Magazine contributor. If you would like to reach Robin you can email her at robin@wakeupmomma.com.
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Wow – this REALLY struck a chord with me! It is so true that this is how we were brought up!!! Thanks for bringing this to our attention and inspiring us to change!!